Have you ever got busted for drink-driving? The cops insisted that you were a wee bit over the limit and refused to let you go, didn’t he? That bastard.

Worry not, dawg. I hear you.

If you’re gonna argue your way out of an underpaid cop that night, you need to get the answer to this question right:

What is worse than drink-driving?

Simple.
1. Drinking;
2. Driving.

In Britain itself, there were 33000 cases of fatal accidents on the road due to vehicle failures and driver incompetence; 25000 for alcohol-related deaths (e.g. alcohol poisoning, liver failure due to chronic drinking). And only 500 cases for drink-driving.

Hence what are the chances of you dying tonight because your car blew up?

So, drink up. Drive. If you’re unlucky, die happy.

I was at Jessie’s a couple of days back, reading back issues from her Cosmopolitan/Cleo shrine in the living room. Don’t ask. I find women’s astonishing folly attempts to learn the ways to please men (think Sex and The City) intringing (but funny) and refreshing, contrary to all the failed get-laid trickeries I’ve read over the years from Men’s Health.

I was flipping through some pages and there it was: “50 Ways To Give A Good Headjob”.

Ladies, listen to me.

There are only two ways to give one. You can’t go wrong with it. Just:

1. Suck;
2. Don’t use your teeth.

How difficult can that be, people?